Morning News 4/03/10

To paraphrase Bart Simpson: "Easter is a time when people of all faiths get together to worship Jesus Christ." Obama urges us all to come together in a "shared spirit of humanity."

Angels, I have a job for you: Actor John Forsythe shuffles off this mortal coil at age 92.

Paula Brooks over at Lez Get Real tells us that Gay rights protections in Salt Lake City are just the beginning of LGBTQ rights in Utah.

The Food police are determined to make Easter less fun, for your own good. A man who runs a string of weight loss camps for children insists that Easter isn't about candy. Good luck, fella.

(Marshmallow Peeps are a product of the Just Born Candy Company from Bethlehem Pennsylvania.)

Long Live Princess Sparkle Pony!

Hey everyone, just a shout out to Princess Sparkle Pony's blog where you can always find the funnest pictures and wittiest commentary on vital issues of the day.

Paintings of big-eyed children, glamor and all things that sparkle await you over in the Princess's domain.

I fell in love with PSP back when the Condoleezza Hairdo Alert system kept me on the edge of my seat, and in case you haven't noticed there's a permanent link to the Pony's page over on my margin.

Go, check out the pony.

True Story: Pasty Man

I inherited my complexion from Danish Vikings, via my maternal Grandmother. So before I stepped outside to mow my lawn, I donned my straw fedora and tied a blue bandana around my neck to protect myself from the sun.

Ours is an old fashioned push mower so even though my front yard isn’t very large, it takes long enough to trim my grass that even with 70spf sun block, I tend to burn to a crisp.

Hence my fondness for Portland’s general lack of sunshine.

But the sun was shining and my dandelions were getting uppity, so I strolled outside with long sleeves, long pants, head and neck wear and began to push my mower back and forth.

Halfway through my task a little boy about five years old, pulled his tricycle to a stop in front of my house. As he waited on the sidewalk for his mother to catch up with him, he stared at me with that fixed gaze that children are so good at.

Morning News 4/02/10

Just Kidding! Or is it April Fool's? Secretary of the Army John McHugh said that gay soldiers he spoke to about being gay under DADT may actually be fired for talking with him openly about their sexuality.

Congratulations! Texas grants lesbian couple the state's first gay divorce. Seriously, best wishes to the separating couple and their young son. Sorry you have to fight so hard for something that most everyone else does without getting the feds involved.

Naive, irritating and shallow analysis from (gasp!) a philosophy major from Princeton about how we shouldn't queer the census. Quick aside to Brendan: Your statement, "LGBT persons are already counted, just not as LGBT persons..." is probably the funniest thing I've ever read. Really, I think I peed a little when I got to that.

Dark v. Milk Chocolate debate on Facebook has so far yielded: 3 prefer Milk, 2 prefer Dark and one person thinks that each type of chocolate has its proper place. I think I'll set up an informal poll here and see if we can get a more statistically significant result.

Perhaps we can combine the Chef's love of chocolate and shirtless/naked men in a future poll?

(Photo of Dark Chocolate Truffle from Oswego Tea.)

RNC: "What are you Wearing?"

Dr. Snickerdoodle has done it again, sending me a tip that a recent RNC fundraising letter accidentally directed people to call a Phone sex line instead of the Republican National Committee.

Jason Linkins over at Huffpo has a more complete retelling of the Minnesota voter who called the wrong number to complain about the RNC letter (designed to look like a census form) and instead was offered the chance to chat with local, hot teens and housewives.

Thanks RNC, I needed that!

(Photo from justcoolpics.com)

The Shirtless Booze News

In honor of various Jesus-related goings on, here is Michelangelo's 500-year-old, shirtless (well, actually nekkid) sculpture of Bacchus, the God of Booze.

Shameless excuse for manflesh I realize, but I wanted to draw your attention to a spiffy post about religious themed adult beverages by Andy Seifert and David Wolinsky over at the AV Club.

Original Sin Hard Cider, Salvation Golden Ale and He'Brew, The Chosen Beer: Messiah Bold from the Schmalz Brewing Company are among the offerings dished in a charming piece.

Let's get smashed. God commands it.

Morning News 4/01/10

Happy April everyone!

No more firings under DADT!? Joe My God has a nice summary of this morning's announcement by Sec. of the Army John McHugh. Apparently, it is easier to talk to gay soldiers about the effects of DADT when they don't have to be afraid of being fired under DADT for talking about the effects of being gay under the policy. (Do you follow me?)

Well, I live in the White House with my wife, two daughters and my mother-in-law. President Obama fills out his census form on Census Day.

Google changes name to "Topeka" (in honor of April Fool's Day) proposes a "text-only" version of Youtube.

Constance McMillen will be able to attend the private prom in a tux with her girlfriend.

(Photo titled: "half eaten" by Sarah Marriage is an image of peanut butter fudge covered with ganache, in honor of my first true story posting "the 675 pound mixer of doom.")

True Story: The 675 Pound Mixer of Doom

“You really should try it,” Jesus said as he marked the dates of his vacation on the swimsuit calendar. The “it” in question was heterosexual sex and his recommendation had been prompted by my latest attempt at Spanish.

I had used the masculine “esposo” to explain that I was married, but not to a woman. Jesus’s reaction suggested that I was missing out on something spectacular.

This wasn’t the first time someone suggested that I give straight sex a try. Though it usually annoyed me a great deal, it didn’t bother me today. His tone was neither condemning nor judgmental. He sounded more the way I sound when someone tells me that they don’t care for chocolate.

“But chocolate is so wonderful,” I’d say. “Maybe you haven’t tasted the good stuff?”

The Hilarious Job Market

Since I quit my job over two years ago I've been wondering what the hell I'm going to do next. Sure I was burned out on pastry, but I still love working with my hands and making dessert.

But what to do? Waking up at 4:00AM to go to work in a deep, dark pit in the ground with a bunch of homophobic assholes has lost its charm. Baking at home for fun is wonderful, but nobody is paying me to do it.

Where is the happy medium?

Is there a way to make dessert for fun and earn money doing it?

What do you think, fair reader?

Hello?

Gaydar @ Chicago Tribune and Elsewhere

Rex Huppke over at the Chicago Tribune has a nice, short little article about gaydar and the phenomenon of the "glass closet."

No one was surprised by Ricky Martin's recent announcement about his sexual orientation and Huppke goes into some interesting research by J. Michael Bailey from Northwestern University. It turns out that both gay and straight people are pretty good at guessing who is queer and who is not.

If you are interested in some recent findings about how gay people tend to be physiologically distinct from straight people, check out the New York Magazine article from '07 "The Science of Gaydar." It is full of pictures and nifty correlations. Go look, you won't regret it.

Who knew that the direction your hair swirls, the length of your ring finger and the density of your fingerprint ridges (among other things) all point to whether or not you think "All About Eve" is the best movie ever made?

(Hat tip to Dr. Snickerdoodle, super genius.)

(Public domain image of Bette Davis as Margot Channing in the best movie ever made.)

Gay Animals? You Betcha!

The NYT's Sunday Magazine this weekend will feature an article by Jon Mooallem exploring the fact that many animals are gay, gay, gay!

For years biologists ignored the evidence of queerness in the animal world because it was too damn shocking. But it turns out that lots of animals (particularly mammals and birds) are a bit light in the loafers.

Call me biased if you must but there seems to be a strong correlation: the higher the intelligence of a species, the more same-sex hanky panky you'll find.

Homosexuality: Now 100% all-natural! (Thanks, but I've known THAT for years.)

More on this topic can be found over at a neato post at Wikipedia. I also recommend Dr. Bruce Bagemihl's comprehensive book, Biological Exuberance.

Go to your Local. Independent. Bookseller.

(Hat tip to Dr. Snickerdoodle.)

(Cover image of Dr. Bruce Bagemihl's book from Macmillan publishing.)

Morning News 3/31/10

Many hope the committee overseeing the rebuilding of Haiti will help ensure that the money actually gets to the people who need it.

President Obama wants to drill for oil in the Gulf of Mexico.

Sorry about that. Serbia apologizes for Srebrenica.

I'm sorry but there's just no substitute for Ray Harryhausen and Sir Larry. Remake of Clash of the Titans seems to be a sullen, joyless noisefest. Give me Harry Hamlin with his shirt off over Sam Worthington in blurry 3D, thank you very much.

(Image of Sir Larry as Zeus from MGM's 1981, star-studded, shirtless fabfest Clash of the Titans from SeventhVoyage.com "I'm like a fine wine my boy...")

Cold and Gray: Need Kittens!

Our youngest cat Madeleine was napping on the bed earlier, but when I walked by she rolled over on her back and made a chirping noise, exposing her belly for a much hoped-for rub.

I don't have a picture of it, but here's a shot of two of my favorite things: Dr. Snickerdoodle and our other cat, Maude back in '04 when she was a kitten.

The Kids in the Hall: An Appreciation

From 1988 to 1994 Dave Foley, Bruce McCulloch, Mark McKinney, Kevin McDonald and Scott Thompson took to the airwaves with subversive and edgy sketch comedy.

What started in the late 80's as several separate Canadian improv troops grew and merged over time to form the core group of actors and writers that became The Kids in the Hall.

Cross dressing, queer commentary, secretaries, SNAGs, skanks, Sausages!, Queen Elizabeth II, a chicken lady and a guy who wants to crush your head are only part of the surreal swirl and quirky delight that obsessed fans still chatter about to this day.

Bask in the pouty glory of Bruce McCulloch's Tammy, who won't spread for no roses:


And of course, Scott Thompson in the story of my life in one minute and twenty six seconds:


The entire series can be purchased (or netflixed) on DVD with commentary and behind the scenes extras to fill the gaping void left in our lives when the show went off the air in 1994.

Go now, seek out The Kids.

Morning News 3/30/10

The Earth is round, the pope is catholic and Ricky Martin is gay. I'm not even going to link to it because you can find it yourself if you feel the need to yawn.

General John "Jackass" Sheehan apologizes to the Dutch for his jackassery.

Yes Ruprecht, we're going to Oklahoma! Bill designed to ignore LGBT inclusive hate crimes law accidentally ignores protections for race and religion. (Keep the cork on the fork guys.)

Here's y'all's Passover hootenanny (with a hat tip to Vipies):

(From cornerstone music's youtube channel)

The Flaming Chef didn't post the evening news last night because he was busy baking a batch of bittersweet chocolate brownies for Dr. Snickerdoodle to take to work for his peeps. The house smelled like hot chocolate and it was the perfect antidote to a cold, gray and windy day.

(Screen capture detail of Steve Martin as Ruprecht from Orion Pictures 1988 film Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. Directed by Frank Oz and Costarring one of my very favorite actors on the planet: Michael Caine. It is a great film, full of wonderful performances. I'm sure you can spot Barbara Harris, but can you spot Emperor Palpatine?)

Psycho Beach Party: Gayest Movie Ever!

Inspired by my excursion to Blow Pony this weekend, The Flaming Chef is in the mood for cheesy camp movies, glamor, booze and all that glitters.

I was first exposed to Charles Busch's retro dragstravaganza "Psycho Beach Party" by fellow flamer Wicker Parker. A thousand thanks be unto him.

Produced in the style of a Frankie and Annette summer beach movie, Psycho Beach Party dives into queerness within its first, glorious seconds as the camera zooms in on David Chokachi's gorgeous, denim clad ass. From this introduction (at a B&W drive-in showing of "The Pizza Waitress with Three Heads") where our first murder takes place we are hurled through the most delightful opening credits sequence ever produced. Sensational, Tomato-bombshell, Tera Bonilla provides a go-go dance accompaniment to the music of Los Straight Jackets which can only be described as jaw-droppingly-awesome.

Charles Busch is magnificent as captain Monika Stark ("both a cop and a lady") in hot pursuit of a serial murderer. Lauren Ambrose, Thomas Gibson, Kimberly Davies and Amy Adams round out a sensational cast.

You won't be sorry if you get your hands on this gem of a film and waste 95 minutes of your life basking in its glory.

Cultural Calendar: Queer Uprising @ Blow Pony!

Last night I had the unmitigated pleasure of attending a stylish queer uprising at Blow Pony. Created by "a bipolar skitzee and a trans Kansas mess," the glory that is Blow Pony must be seen to be believed.

Little Larry ordered me to go so I played Patty Hearst to his SLA and obeyed. Wow, am I glad I did.

Up a flight of stairs and onto a dark dance floor, the evening began for me shortly after 10pm. As the night wore on the modified warehouse in inner SE Portland grew progressively more packed with adorable people of all shapes, sizes and proclivities. I was sure we were seconds away from a tragic, fiery death and I loved every minute of it.

The dynamically dressed duo sporting matching, lighted bunny ears and glitter tutus were glorious to behold, as was the enormous man with the "mayor of whoville" beard sporting a red teddy and dangerously high heels. Flame queens, scare queens, otters, gym bodies, twinks and trannies; we had a little bit of everything.

After a few hours stomping around the dance floor I was ready to storm the Bastille as our DJ Airick (delightfully tattooed and bearded) shouted out to all of us to smash the hetero-patriarchy.

You know, that's not a half-bad idea.

If you are in or near Portland, Oregon on the last Saturday of the month, I order you to attend Blow Pony.

(Photo of random drag queens from PlanetFabulon.com)